Remember how I told you how I have a bad habit of making homes out of human beings? Well, I’ve made a permanent nest in my best friend Shaquelle’s presence. We met in second year in POL200 through a mutual friend and have been inseparable since. The first thing we ever bonded over was Plato’s Republic. Our first hangout was a photoshoot session at Philosopher’s Walk.
She prays for me to find love; she’s always been there for me when it seemed like no one else was; she offered me her lunches when she knew I was not eating; she accompanied me like a big sister to my photoshoot for the Athletic Centre when I told her how nervous I was. I cannot imagine a life without her. She can sense when I’m about to have an anxiety attack, knows when I’m on auto-pilot and can even read my mind sometimes. Boy talks, lunches at Sid Smith (poutine for me and Spring Rolls for her),endless conversations about the effects of colonialism on one’s sense of self…ahhhh. She’s been there for me through the crazy highs and lows of my undergrad. She’s my wingwoman, my sister, my personal hype-woman, my doppleganger and my other half. I want her to be a bridesmaid at my wedding, a Godmother to my children, the planner of my divorce party etc.
And what about everyone else I’ve made a home out of here? What is going to happen when they all leave? Who will hold my hand through the suffering that awaits me? Who will tell me I can do it when I don’t think I can anymore? Who will pick me up when I fall down?
My dad always says: “if you are too busy focusing on whats on the plate of another, then the food on your own plate will go cold” or something like that. Lately, I’ve been feeling like the ultimate loser. I don’t know where my life is going. I feel like my degree is worthless in the sense that I have no idea how to convert it into a “future”. I have no idea how to start planning what I am going to be doing next year. I feel like my chances at my dream future (the one first year me used to think about) have been unfairly tampered with because of the craziness that is my personal situation. And I keep thinking that its just not fair that I have to deal with so much and be expected to compete with people with easier lives for the same opportunities.